Relationships are not necessarily made to last forever and why it is okay.

Deep down I always was the kind of person who believed, or at least hoped for forevers. In term of friendship or sentimentalship. Even at the times I didn’t believe in long-lasting marriages, even when I early accepted the idea of divorce, deep down forever was my ideal. Because to me, if you found the one you’re really meant for, the person that really completes you, that really understands you, that supports you, that you are attracted to, and that you love, there’s no chance you are going to be apart. It was mathematic, it was meant to be, it was your real destiny.

For life, and even after death. We were together before we were born, we are looking for ourselves on this earth, and if we are lucky enough to find each other, we will reunite forever.

In high-school, we read about this Greek mythology in Plato’s "Banquet", about an androgynous being with four arms and four legs who has been split in two by Zeus, and each half was spending its life looking for the other. Here lies the idea of soulmates. Even if the four legs creature doesn’t seem really appealing to see, the concept actually resonated in me. Maybe all the princesses and princes stories that we grow up with had to do with it, maybe the sacrality of monogamy has to do with it, or maybe my soul was indeed split in half before I came to this world, and even if I forgot about all of it, my subconscious remembered.

In friendship, we may think that things are a bit less conventional; we make a lot of friends growing up, and we lose a lot of them. It seems to be a cycle, that regenerates through the ages. But still, during all this time we believe in best-friends forever. Especially when you think that your cycle has arrived at its term, that it’s final, that these are the ones. The chosen ones. At the moment you believe, or want to believe, that your friendship will last forever. Friends are the family you choose. You want to grow up, grow old with them. And want your future kids to be best-friend with their kids, make barbecues and live happily ever after.

But sometimes, slowly, some things seem to be off. You are not totally in the same pages anymore, your interests and values seem to decline from one an other. Being with them feels more fustrating than serene. You don’t feel natural anymore, sometimes you even censor yourself. You try to hang on, you start thinking that maybe the problem is only you. Maybe you are wrong somewhere. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe you should try to close your eyes on some details, pretend they are not there. But the feeling is persistent. The differences become way too important, and the rage goes stronger.

Then you realize, relationships are not necessarily meant to be forever, and it breaks your heart.

It lasts forever for some people though. There are one thousand and one proofs of relationships that lasted for ever, but just not yours. At least not yours right now. But here’s the thing: It is sad at first, but not bad.

Some relations can not last for ever simply because, what you were did not last for ever. What defines you as yourself is in constant evolution. You don’t change per say, your basics, the trunk of your tree is there, but some branches of your personality get stronger than they used to be, and some of them get shorter. You bloom differently according to the weather. And it is fine, it is called growing up. The YouTuber Anna Akana made a really interesting video about the secret of happiness, and how for her it is growth.

And it is very relevant. Every time you learn something new, you grow. It is the function of our bodies to grow, and we have to fulfill it to stay healthy, so why wouldn’t be the same for our minds?

This is what we do since our birth, and it is something we might need to keep doing until we die. Knowledge shapes our vision of the world. As long as we learn something new or different; an information, a sentiment, a skill, a life lesson, we never really stop growing up, therefore we never really stay the same. The 11th Doctor gave a very sensible speech before he regenerated, giving to all his eleven regenerations a deeper meaning :

" We all change, when you think about it, we're all different people; all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good, you've gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me. "

It is true. I am now 26 years-old, and I am not the same person I was when I was five, nor the same person I was when I was sixteen, and not even the same as 23. I might have been twelve Doctors by now. And now that I think about it, it was very unfair of Clara asking him not to change.

The ideal is to grow in order to be the best version of ourselves, and we can not be the best version of ourselves if we do not evolve.

The people you were with, matched with you at that time, they were the persons you needed at that time. You might had different personalities, you shared common interests, cared about the same matters, might even had the same sensibilities on things. You felt supported and understood. But once you grow, as you should grow, and if you grow differently, to a point where instead of facilitating your growth, they hold you back, it is not even in your best interests that your relation lasts forever.

We all deserve to bloom fully. We all deserve to feel understood at all times. It is this that is supposed to be forever.

So it made me reconsider. Yes, I wish to be with the people I love forever, but only if those people still fit me when I grow. I want to be with the people that make happy the person I am now, not the one that I used to be. And if that means meeting new people that will fit my grown-self, let it be. Now I accept the idea that I might not be with the same love all my life, I will maybe meet someone that will make me happy until I grow up more, maybe we will grow the same, and it will be wonderful, but if we mature differently, someone else might fit better my evolution. And I'll also have to accept that it can be the other way around.

When I think of the guys I used to like, thank God I didn't end up with one of them forever. I grew so much since then, I might have felt miserable with one of them now. Which gives an other argument to the recent study that stipulates that, marrying around your late twenties lowers your risk of divorce. You're not only more mature, but maybe closer to the more, I won't say " finished" but let's say, "stable" version of you. And I also have to accept that this may also apply to friends. I am not throwing away the possibility of a soulmates just yet, but if it does not happen when I thought it will be, I suppose it is for the best.

I don't want to sound cheesinpirational, but the first traveler in your journey is you. So yes, relationships are not necessarily made to last forever but that's actually good news.

#existential #love #friendship #relations #growth #doctorwho #annaakana #plato #knowledge